| Well, you've
read all about Sloaneyism and you've decided you want to be part of the
elite. There are two options: either head off to your GP who will
quite happily send you off to some friendly white-coated men, or read
this guide and continue with this blatent insanity...
Introduction
It’s important to remember that
Sloaneyism is a state of mind, not just a look. But it does help if you
have parents with a bank balance consisting of 7 or more digits and several large
residences, each with large acreages. Remember that from now on you are going
to live within a narrow-minded, self-important, elitist, unintellectual
social niche which filters out anyone with real individuality.
The Sloaney has one aim in life: to look better than his peers to his
peers. Say “laters” to individualism and distinct personality. For
female Sloaneys, looking good involves getting as many expensive (not
necessarily nice) clothes and
other popular people around you as you can. For male Sloaneys, it
involves getting as many female Sloaneys around you as you can. In
either case, these acquisitions must then be paraded up and down the KR
as much as possible.
Look the part
You can feel the (respectable) logo against your skin. If you happen to
be female, and in this day and age that's quite possible, then buy
yourself pashminas by the truckload... nothing fake, mind, or you'll be
tied to a large tree on someone's estate and torched ritually.
It's also essential for guys to have an iPod (earphones in even if
you're not listening, please), and gals to have a bag that was purchased for an
amount similar to that required to clear half the country's debt.
Your Guide to Sloane
Style
by the mysterious yet appropriately grand
Laura de C.
While ‘Sloane Style’ may be something of a contradiction in terms, there
is nevertheless a distinctive ‘look’ that all Sloanes have in common.
Why anyone would want to emulate this style is completely beyond me, but
there may well be some lunatics out there eager to join the ranks of
identikit Sloanes on the KR. For those of a saner disposition, I feel
that it is always wise to ‘know thine enemy,’ so use this helpful guide
to Sloane Style to identify and avoid any Sloanes that you may be
unfortunate enough to come across.
The Girls
Individualism
Sloane girls like to make spirited attempts at ‘individualism.’ This
means ‘customising’ and ‘personalising’ already existing items of
clothing, although, as they all ‘customise’ their clothes in exactly the
same way, this rather defeats the object of the exercise. Many a Sloane
bought a pair of metallic ballet pumps from Topshop, thinking how
‘unique’ they were, but, unbeknown to them, Topshop were selling 14,000
pairs a week. Sloanes are, by nature, herd animals and any pretence at
individuality is exactly that: a pretence.
If something is ubiquitous, then it is your sacred duty to make it
more so
Take the example of the Ugg…. If you should happen to find yourself
standing in a group of people, all of whom are wearing Uggs (never Ugg
boots), do you think to yourself ‘Hah, what a bunch of sheep?’
Not if you’re a Sloane, you don’t. The Sloane would race off to the KR
to purchase herself a pair of said boots and, making a stab at that
elusive individualism, pair them with a set of legwarmers. How retro.
But being a fashion maverick makes her uneasy and she doesn’t feel truly
comfortable until her friends have copied her look and they can all
patrol the KR in their identikit outfits.
If your handbag isn’t worth the GDP of a small country, then it isn’t
worth having
Your first designer handbag should be bought for your 15th birthday, the
second for your 16th, the third after sitting your GCSEs, the fourth
after passing your GCSEs, etc. etc. until you’re averaging a new handbag
every month or so. Louis Vuitton is the classic. Gucci and Dior are a
little nouveau riche. The ‘Lariat’ from Balenciaga and the
Mulberry ‘Roxanne’ are the bags du jour. If you can score a
Hermés Birkin bag (starting at a measly £4000,) then you are set for
life. Anything in Burberry check should be burnt.
The Cult of Miss Sixty
Every Sloane girl ought to own at least five pairs of Miss Sixty jeans,
including one of those horrendous pairs from 2002 with the zip up the
bum crack. Jeans are, of course, worn tucked into the ubiquitous Uggs.
Frayed denim mini skirts are another essential. The short length says ‘I
have thoroughbred legs,’ and the frayed hem is another one of those
spirited attempts at individualism.
The pashmina is dead. Long live the pashmina.
Vogue may have declared the pashmina passé, but yours is a security
blanket from which you will never be parted. Never made from synthetic
fibres and always with a high cashmere content, your pashmina collection
should be extensive, not to mention expensive. The baby blue one is your
designated favourite; it goes so well with your boyfriend’s Ralph Lauren
jumper.
Good girls may go to heaven, and bad girls may go everywhere, but
good Sloanes and bad Sloanes alike go to Ralph Lauren
The Ralph Lauren store on the Fulham Road is the Sloane’s true home,
safe haven, Shangri-la, if you like. Unlike Buberry and Hilfinger which
have been overrun by proletariat chavscum, Ralph Lauren remains an
enclave of sacred Sloaneyness. Take your boyfriend along and coax him
into buying half-a-dozen jumpers (always navy blue and always
with a red pony.) You can then appropriate one of the jumpers, which you
will wear with your denim mini-skirt, Uggs and designer handbag. Even
more desirable, is your boyfriend’s (your brother’s will do at a pinch)
school sweatshirt/ rugby shirt. Eton and Harrow are best, but Rugby,
Radley, Oundle etc. will do.
The Boys
Sloane boys dress in an even more homogenised way than the girls do (I
know, I didn’t think it possible either.) Perhaps it comes from wearing
school uniform Monday through Saturday, but when Sloane boys descend
upon the KR on Sundays or on exeat weekends, they will each be wearing
various permutations of the follwing:
• Brown loafers
• Chinos (jeans for the really daring)
• An open collar shirt
• A Ralph Lauren jumper. Navy blue. Red Pony.
• Von Dutch cap.
So there you have it, a concise encyclopaedia of Sloane Style. Next time
you find yourself on the KR, with little else to do, play a little game.
In a ten minute period, see how many Uggs and Ralph Lauren labels you
can spot. Bet it’s more than thirty.
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Talk the talk -
Sloanglish
Site visitors have sent us a selection of words which have been
heard in common use on the KR, and we've thrown them into
this list... feel free to help us by
sending us some
more!
The next step... Walk the walk: in the right
places
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