A Sloaney is anyone who involves
themselves in the “wild” public school* social life, and has a little
too much money to burn. Traditionally, the Sloaney is female, but
nowadays males have been welcomed into the category, with their own
distinct form of Sloaneyism. Sloaneys tend to spend much of their free
life mindlessly wandering up and down the King’s Road and the immediate
area of Chelsea, making use of a specialist tool known as “Daddy’s
Credit Card” with the traders of the area.
* A public school is a paid-for educational
institution, often with boarding houses. The idea behind them is
that someone pays for you to gain a superior education, which allows you
to earn plenty of money to get your children a superior education, which
allows them to... etc. etc. until one of your offspring blows all his
money on a twin-engined chocolate orange making machine.
Where to find them
During the school holidays, look out for them primarily in the vicinity
of King's Road ("the KR") in Chelsea, London. However, they also spend
time in their estates in the Berkshire and Buckinghamshire countryside
partaking in rituals known as "polo" and "tennis parties". Rock, in
Cornwall, and its surrounding area is a popular destination for Sloaneys
with an art for keeping their blood alcohol level above the 50% level.
Telltale signs
-
Designer clothes (non-skater,
that is. Don't want to look like we've been slumming it in
the skate park, do we darls?)
-
Voice sounds as if plum is
shoved down throat
-
Use of Sloanglish
-
Group of 3 or more girls
saying "Oh my gawd" and generally trying to make the rest of the
world believe that their life is actually exciting
-
Group of 3 or more guys laughing like Tim Nice-but-Dim
-
Head glued to mobile phone in
attempt to appear popular (it's probably Mummy seeing if they're
alright)
-
Hyphenated surname
-
Referring to each other as
"darling", and abbreviating each other's names to end with an S
(eg. Laura - Lors, Lucy - Luce/Loos, Henry - Hens, William - Wills,
etc.)
-
Pseudo-sophistication.
Watch out for kissing once on each cheek as a greeting, like the
French.
Sloaney schools
Ampleforth, Bradfield,
Bryanston, Canford, Charterhouse, Eton, Harrow, Marlborough,
Oundle, Radley, Rugby,
Stowe, Tonbridge, Winchester, Abingdon, Benenden, Cheltenham Ladies', Downe
House, Headington, Heathfield, King's Canterbury, St. Edward's Oxford
("Teddies" haha), St. Mary's Wantage, St. Mary's Carne,
St. Mary's Ascot, St.
George's Ascot, Uppingham, Wellington, Woldingham, Wycombe Abbey ("Scabby Abbey")
and many more...
Sloaney names
Sometimes, these creatures give themselves away with their
ridiculous names. Ones we found on an investigative
(honest!) trip to Cornwall included Gala, Aurea, Crystal, Tory
and Poppy. In most countries, giving children names like
that is considered a severe breach of human rights.
I wanna be a Sloaney!
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